To whom it may concern:
A woman from Vancouver - who was a tree
hugging National Democratic Party member, an anti-hunter, anti-pipeline
environmentalist - purchased a piece of timberland near Squamish, in the province of
British Columbia.
There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of
her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top a spotted owl
attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got splinters in
her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, an NDP'er and an anti-industry person and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then asked her to wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and told her, "Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, an NDP'er and an anti-industry person and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then asked her to wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and told her, "Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but due to the Provincial
Medical cut backs they turned you down.
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You just can't make this stuff up…
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre
Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to
look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George
Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for
1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
3. And, upon hearing Joe
Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the
Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over
Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like
mens. He let us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and
former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a
genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it
takes.." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State
football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height..," And,
"You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike
Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?
He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks
left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing
trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what
time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he
appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I
don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit
room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz
president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is
it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't
care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball
coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's
and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one
subject."
14. In the words of NC State great
Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15.
Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes
his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she's too
ugly to kiss good-bye."
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