Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! (Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective!)

My wife is right, I am anal retentive...., so now I keep a can of WD-40 next to the toilet! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Seniors Banking ... PRICELESS!!

Dear Friends:


Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times of London.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
 
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
 
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.  
 
I noticed that, whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose to deal only with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
 
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,  again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your telephone banking service.  As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Allow me to level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer.  (Please note, a password to access my computer is required.  The password will be communicated to you at a later date, and to the Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.)
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
 
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
 
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
        
Your Humble Client

And remember:  Don't make old people mad  We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off!!!!

Saturday Morning Confusion: A sticky situation!


Dear Readers:

This is straight from our now I've seen/heard everything department:

An obviously male doctor in Kansas thinks that as an alternative to pesky and unseemly tampons, women should basically start gluing their vaginas shut. In case the word “glue” next to the word “vagina” didn’t already make this apparent, this is a very, very bad idea. And before you ask, no, he is not joking.

Daniel Dopps is a Witchita chiropractor and the proud creator of Mensez, what he describes as a “feminine lip-stick” to help ladies combat heavy flow. But unlike lipstick, Mensez doesn’t just paint your vaginal lips a lovely shade of blush.
It literally sticks them together, turning the female body into a biological DivaCup. Since debuting in January, the invention has attracted a fair amount of attention, including in popular women’s magazines.

Dopps explained to Gizmodo that Mensez is a “natural combination” of amino acids and oils, to be applied during a lady’s time of month via a convenient lipstick applicator. The seal holds everything in there until she goes to the bathroom, when the seal disintegrates. Then you simply reapply.
http://gizmodo.com/please-dont-glue-your-vagina-shut-during-your-period-1792723055


(NOTE!) This product is also being considered as an 'anti-rape' solution to the increasing incidents of sexual assault!

Friday, February 24, 2017

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!

Dear Friends:

Image result for kellyanne conway clipartWhen that blonde bimbo from the Drumpf organization coined the phrase "alternative facts"  her comment may reveal just how vulnerable we are to a way of thinking that could set us back centuries: “Conway’s statement was not based on a scientific perspective ......, but rather on a much older tradition of deciding what is true: the argument from authority.”

That's right folks, there was a time when alternative facts were the norm, and it was only through the progress made in scientific circles and the rise of democracy that we slowly started to rely on a "fact" based reality!

Of course democracy didn't cure all our ills, as witnessed by the Drumpf Presidency ......., and it hasn't done much to dissuade the creationists and conspiracy theorists and religious nuts like radical Islamist's,  but thank God [sic] it has seriously lessened the proliferation of these cock-eyed ideas!

The only cure I can see for all this is the spread of pure unvarnished truth in place of all that bullshit being foisted on us, and the only way to do that is through education! (Not indoctrination folks, education!)

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Wanna bet?

Dear Friends:

Anyone wanna bet how long before Drumpf gets killed or impeached?
“Obama’s energy secretary won a Nobel Prize in physics; Trump’s energy secretary got kicked off Dancing With The Stars.”
Bookies in London, England are busy taking bets on this as we speak!!!!

ZAP, YOUR IT!

Dear Friends:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 20th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.

What I found was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to The Mrs. Herself what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Poppy looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Poppy, (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:


a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and 

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Poppy looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: 
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, 
one note of caution: 

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! 
A three second burst would be considered conservative! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
  • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Is he real? Or just plain nuts!

Dear Friends:

If you have ever wondered about the quality of some of Donald Drumpf's decisions, then you should consider who he gets his information from.
The White House recently acknowledged that Alex Jones — the extremely loud right-wing conspiracy theorist who runs InfoWars — is an "occasional information source and validator" for Donald Trump.



NOW: Just so we're all on the same page, here are some gems of wisdom from Alex Jones himself!



Yup, that's right kids, if you're wondered how the U.S. managed to sink so low ........, this guy might answer your questions!

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Trump is getting crazier, and Geert is getting Wilder!

Dear Friends:

Ezra Levant, who used to be on 'The Sun TV Network' before all the left wing media prevented the station from being available on regular cable the way they were, now has a web site called "The Rebel.ca."

I don't agree with a lot of the things they stand for ,......, such as denying global warming, and evolution, and gun control, (not) and when you get right down to it, most of the stuff the Republicans in the States are doing to destroy American ideals and an American way of life. (They are turning it into a Fascist State folks!)

BUT:

I still read them because every once in a while they come up with little gems that catch my attention.

Here's the latest letter that Ezra sent me!


Image result for geert wildersDear Allan,

Have you heard about Geert Wilders?

He’s the leader of a political party in the Netherlands called the “Party for Freedom”. He’s campaigning in the Dutch elections, which will be held just three weeks from now.

The media hate him. The European Union hates him. And most of all, advocates of open borders and mass immigration hate him.

Because Wilders opposes mass Muslim migration. And he has called for the de-Islamification of the Netherlands.

Wilder is under constant threat of assassination by Muslim extremists. And he’s been prosecuted by the Dutch government for “hate speech”, merely for criticizing their open borders policies.

Oh — did I mention it? 
Geert Wilders is currently leading the polls.
(The Dutch elections are in three weeks!)
 To show you how much Europe is also adopting a harder right wing view, here are some of the objectives of Wilder's party, The "Party for Freedom."
  • Considerable reduction of taxes and state regulations.
  • Replacement of the present Article 1 of the Dutch constitution, guaranteeing equality under the law, by a clause stating the cultural dominance of the Christian, Jewish and humanist traditions.
  • Reduction of the influence of the European Union, which may no longer be expanded with new member states, especially Turkey; the European Parliament will be abolished. Dutch financial contributions to the European Union should be reduced by billions of euros.
  • A five-year moratorium on the immigration of non-Western foreigners who intend to stay in the Netherlands. Foreign residents will no longer have the right to vote in municipal elections.
  • A five-year moratorium on the founding of new mosques and Islamic schools; a permanent ban on preaching in any language other than Dutch. Foreign imams will not be allowed to preach. Radical mosques will be closed and radical Muslims will be expelled.
  • Restoration of educational standards, with an emphasis on the educational value of the family.
  • Introduction of binding referendum and elected mayors, chiefs of police and prime ministers.
  • Introduction of minimum penalties, and higher maximum penalties; introduction of administrative detention for terrorist suspects. Street terrorism will be punished by boot camps and naturalization and deportation of immigrant offenders.
  • Restoration of respect and better rewards for teachers, policemen, health care workers and military personnel.
  • Instead of complicated reorganization, a more accessible and humane health care system, especially for elderly citizens.
Yup, it looks like Geert is taking some lessons from Donald Trump's playbook, and he's not the only one over there ...., he's got a lot of company!

If all this stuff is making you dizzy, light headed, or feel like you're going to throw up kids, I suggest you sit down and put your head between your knees ....., and while you're down there, kiss your ass goodbye! (Fully 2/3 of the American population expects Donald Drumpf to start a major war in the next four years!)


Astronomy blends fact with fantasy!


Dear Friends:

You may have heard that astronomers made a big announcement today about a “discovery outside our solar system.”

Well: It wasn't aliens!
Astronomers reported the discovery of a solar system containing a dwarf star and seven rocky, dwarf planets just 39 light years away.

The bodies orbit an ultra cool dwarf star called TRAPPIST-1 in the constellation Aquarius. Several of the planets are located in what's known as the “habitable zone” — the Goldilocks region where it's thought water can exist and life can thrive.


TRAPPIST-1 is an ultra-cool dwarf star, 10 times smaller and 2.5 times cooler than our own sun. In fact, it's more comparable to Jupiter than to the sun.

Even though the TRAPPIST-1 planets are Earth-like, the system is definitely an alien one. It's not clear what the likelihood of life might be in such a system.
NOTE: Even though they are called a dwarf star and dwarf planets they are not to be confused with these seven dwarves!




Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Do what I say, not what I do!

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Please take a moment to read this statement from Tucker Carlson. (Tucker the fucker is an American political news correspondent for Fox News.)

READY?

"Tucker Carlson acknowledged Trump needs to “always be accurate and clear” but blamed the media for focusing on what Trump said, rather than what he meant to say."

Remember folks, we're talking about the most powerful man in the world and we can't afford mistakes like that!


Monday, February 20, 2017

Damned if ya do, damned if ya don't!

Dear Friends:

It's Family Day here in Ontario so I drove to Sarnia to visit with my 91 year old, but still feisty, mother!

While I was there I ran into some old acquaintances and during the course of our discussion I happened to enquirer how the Mayor, Mike Bradley, was doing!

Now I should explain that Mayor Mike (Who I have known for many years) has been the Mayor of Sarnia for close to thirty years now, and he has always been very popular and loved by both the people of Sarnia, and the folks who work in the Municipal offices as well!

The reason I bring this up is because a year or two ago the city hired a couple of women to work at City Hall, and they were, if I can find a proper way to describe them, very opinionated, politically correct, and activists for women's causes. (I was going to call them a couple of cunts, but that would be rather harsh ....., don't ya think?)

Anyway, they didn't hit it off with Mayor Mike, and accused him of bullying them, verbally harassing them, and also your plain, everyday sexual harassment.

In other words they used their gender, and a whole bunch of venom, to make life miserable for Mr. Bradley.

This whole mess hit the courts, or an ombudsman, or  tribunal, or something or other, (I'm not sure of the exact details since I haven't lived there for quite a few years.) and the end result is that Mikie is not allowed into City Hall except during office hours, and even then he has to stay in his own area (the Mayors Office) while a safety zone has been set up for some of the female staff! ( I wonder who?)

Folks, the long and short of it is that these women remind me of some of those ladies [sic] who falsely accuse their husband of child abuse so that they can get full custody of the kids!

I believe this is called playing the courts!