Me: “Hey Bob, thanks for coming over, I have THE greatest invention to show you.”

Bob: “This is another one of your stupid ideas, isn’t it?”

Me: “No, this one is amazing, just look!”

Bob: “It’s…a button?”

Me: “Yes, but not just a button, it’s an Automatic Random Murderer.”

Bob: “Uh…what?”

Me: “Automatic Random Murderer. You see…if I press it, a random person, somewhere on earth, immediately has his or her heart explode.”

Bob: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Me: “What?”

Bob: “You invented a button…wait, what?”

Me: "Yeah, ain't it great?"

Bob: "What is wrong with you?"

Me: "What?"

Bob: "Seriously, what is wrong with you?"

Me: "I don't know why you're upset...this is something that people want and need."

Bob: "You're kidding, right?"

Me: "No! People will want this! What's your problem with it?"

Bob: "It...kills people!"

Me: "No it doesn't."

Bob: "What do you mean it doesn't?!? You just said that it kills people!"

Me: "No, I said if you press it, a random person dies."

Bob: "It's the same thing!"

Me: "No. The button can't kill anybody, it requires somebody to push the button. ARMs don't kill people, people kill people."

Bob: "Okay, that's the dumbest damn thing I've ever heard, the button has exactly one purpose: killing, right?"

Me: "No, not at all! Look at it...it's pretty, right?"

Bob: "Huh?"

Me: "It's pretty! It's room decor!"

Bob: "Okay, be serious, THAT isn't a purpose...you already said, this has one purpose, killing people."

Me: "Oh, wait, you misunderstood me. The REAL purpose of this is killing animals."

Bob: "Huh?"

Me: "Yeah, it kills animals."

Bob: "Okay, explain."

Me: "If you push the button, and there's an animal within 50 feet of you, it'll die!"

Bob: "You mean, like a deer? This is for hunting?"

Me: "Yes, of course!"

Bob: "So, why does it have a box with screws to mount it on the wall?"

Me: "To use it as room decor, silly!"

Bob: "And if there's no animal within 50 feet, I assume...."

Me: "Somebody dies."

Bob: "Just...somebody dies."

Me: "Yep! Great, ain't it?"

Bob: "This is so messed up."

Me: "What, why?"

Bob: "It's a button...that kills people!"

Me: "We've already covered that, Bob. People kill people! The button is nothing but a pretty, red, shiny thing, that looks like a lot of fun to push! Who would push something like that without knowing the ramifications?"

Bob: "Wait...children will push it! What the hell, Garrett, children will think it's fun to play with!"

Me: "Oh, now you're just being a jerk. Children will NOT want to play with this. Any responsible ARM owner will teach his children to respect the bright, red, shiny thing mounted on the wall and not to play with it. Even if they did, look, I put a cover on it. You can close the cover."

Bob: "And a child can open it."

Me: "Have you NOT been listening to me? Children can be taught to respect bright, shiny things and will never play with them when told not to."

Bob: "This is so ridiculous. You know this is just going to kill people, right?"

Me: "No, and that's the best part about this."

Bob: "Oh, okay...this is gonna be great...go on."

Me: "Nobody's going to push the button because you never know if somebody else will push a button."

Bob: "Okay, you lost me."

Me: "If I had this mounted on my wall, I'd never want to use it because I'd know there are other people with buttons...and if I used mine, they might use theirs."

Bob: "Are you seriously telling me that people would buy these buttons...hoping not to use them?"

Me: "That's right. Who would want to use a button?"

Bob: "Then why buy the button?"

Me: "Because, otherwise, the only people buying the buttons would be bad people who want to kill other people."

Bob: "This is so, so stupid. Why make the damn button, then, if bad people will get their hands on the button?"

Me: "Oh, if I don't make the button, somebody else will."

Bob: "Then we'll make it illegal to have a button!"

Me: "Oh, you can't do that! First, if it's illegal, then only criminals would own them! Second, it's a constitutional right!"

Bob: "Oh come on."

Me: "It's right there, 'the right to bear ARMs shall not be infringed'!"

Bob: "You think the Founding Fathers meant a button that can kill a random person?"

Me: "Yes, of course! They had the foresight to see that technology would advance, so they anticipated this! But, just a reminder, ARMs don't kill people, people kill people."

Bob: "This is the most useless conversation I've ever had. Garrett, why are you creating a button that, despite excuses, has only one real purpose, which is killing people?"

Me: "Bob, the ARM doesn't kill people, people kill people. Gosh, you're so ignorant."

For more reading: The History of the NRA, Gun Control, and the Whole Shebang by Garrett Murphy on Posts