Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by
Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of
this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman
fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman
reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman
started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties..
St. Peter
looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman
replied, 'These are Carols.'
And so the
Christmas Season begins......
**
A New York attorney
representing a wealthy art collector phoned his client. He said, "Saul, I
have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector
replied, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.” The
lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that
she invested $5,000 in
two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think
she could be right.”
Saul replied
enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've
just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied,
"The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
**
Two nuns are
ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother
Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring
about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip
off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
The man says, "Nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?"
**
So, today I went over to the local Bass
Pro Shop to
get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo,
the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about
the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in
the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this
time it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a
little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to remember
to wear underwear when I go out...
**
Dead Penguins - I
never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
Wonder no more It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male
penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
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